With Hands and Hearts Full

A long time between drinks

The hours fly by so fast. The days and weeks too. Yet it also feels like time can drag by soooo slowly.
My head is still swirling with everything and more we have going on right now, but thankfully it is not overwhelming me or having me feel anxious.
I'm nudging 35 weeks now and flow between feeling zen about when the baby will choose her or his birthday, to just wanting it over and done with already.
This is normal for me, I have done it the last 5 pregnancies. I just try to remind myself baby knows the best day and labour goes so much better when it happens spontaneously.

I am feeling very heavy in the pelvis, especially since bubs dropped about a week ago. Yay I can breathe again, but ouch at the same time!

I am still asked if this is for certain the last baby. Even by people that know Hub had a vasectomy. Yes, it is! 100% it is. It has been 5 months since hub had it done, and I am more happy and content with the decision as time goes by.
I love and adore babies. They smell, the squishyness, holding them, their sweet breath. They really are lovely.
But I know my body and mind are ready for this last baby. I know what a strain my body has been through carrying such large bubs too.

I have also been told by others how they cannot fathom making such a decision. How it is so final. How it means no more, and they can't imagine doing it. This makes me laugh. As clearly, it means they are not ready. They do not want to close that chapter of their lives yet.
And of course that is ok. I was there once. Amazed at the women making final decisions about no babies. It means no more babies!!
And now it is my turn. My turn to feel 'done. For years I wondered, and was concerned too, if I would ever feel done. I would listen to Mums talk about how they just knew, and how they were excited for the next stage of no more babies.
I honestly did not get it. Of course I didn't get it. I wanted my window to stay open. I was not ready. It was not my time.

But now I am. And I laugh at how once I could never imagine being here.
I feel happy, liberated, excited and to be honest a bit sad too. Endings are always sad.
I am trying hard to enjoy the kicks and movements of this bellybabe. Knowing she or he is the last to grow inside my womb. The last baby, our little caboose!

The current little caboose continues to make me laugh, and brings so much joy to our family. I can't imagine, nor remember life without her.
I know I will feel the same when this wee baby joins us too.

Here is Miss 1 asleep in a funny place, as usual. All our children have been such great 'anywhere' sleepers. No matter where we are, if they feel tired they fall asleep. This was the last suitcase to unpack after a weekend away. She loves to help. By help I mean she will toss everything out of the case, clap her hands, smile and say 'All done!'
I must admit, if the older boys did this at nearly 2 I would more than likely crack it, sigh and tell them not to do that. Now, many years and babies later, I am more patient, but more than anything I see the funny side, and don't sweat the small stuff. I know how fast time goes by, how fast children grow. I choose to laugh. Life is much happier this way, for all of us.

House plans are still in the making, just going very slow as we save for what needs to be done next. It is a longer process doing it this way, but it means things are paid for with cash upfront and then we don't have to worry about it again.

The builder is currently doing the final touches on another straw bale home not far from us, and then will be able to have more time for us. It has worked out well and we are grateful to find people nearby who can help us build our home.

Til next time!

Categories: Australian Home Education, Planet Home Education

Life goes on

Whether I like or not, I have to keep going. Even with the crying, whinging, sooking, and complaining(all mine) the world just will not stop until I am feeling well enough to face it again.

Clothes need to be washed, folded and put away every day. Children want to read stories. They also want to go out and socialise and play, grumble. And what is with wanting to be fed more than once a day? sheesh!


When I look at this photo I sigh at all the washing Hub had done, ready to be folded and put away. But then I see him with some of the children reading another story that night and it makes me smile. Washing will always be there, the kids at this age will not. It is them that help me see how much life is worth living. I get out of bed each day because of and also for them, before I think of myself.


This chubby cheeked, smiling, happy baby is simply hilarious. She makes me laugh many times in the day and I am so thankful she is in our family. She has so much personality and character for a 1 year old and she loves to have us all laughing.
All she has to say is 'Mummy yook, Mummy yook' and I smile, seeing the excitement in her face at the latest thing she wants me to look at too.

Her big sister has me laughing just as much. At only 3 years old she talks so well and is very animated. If I do not here her over all the monkeys the first time she will say loudly "Mummy, I am talking to you!' and if I call her almost every time she replies with 'Just a second' Who knows where she gets it from hey. She has her own little bed, in the room she shares with her sister. They love being together and often I see them together on the same bed with the CD player and one of their read-a-long books, with the 'ding' each time you need to turn the page. I loved them when I was little. Except I had a cassette, remember those?

Very slowly, at snail pace, each day is getting better. I have had the odd day in there though that really sucked and made me think, Bugger, I thought I was moving forward. But looking over the months I can see the better, smoother days are outnumbering the low days. This is good. This is progress. My Hub, my children, my parents, and close friends make a huge difference in getting through. They are loving, caring, supportive, and help in any way they can. I truly feel that even if you don't understand what someone is going through, you can still empathise and support them.

'Til next time!

Categories: Australian Home Education, Planet Home Education

Blogtoberfest

I won't be doing Blogtoberfest this year. I just don't have it in me, and I fear most days will just be a whinge, bitch or whine as I swim through this AND. I don't want to do that to you, or me.

However I will link you to {tinniegirl} where you can follow the wonderful blogs who will be participating.
Enjoy!

Categories: Australian Home Education, Planet Home Education

I have liked the band OKGO for years

I have liked the band OKGO for years now. Hub sent me a message telling me he loves me with this link. I had forgotten about this song. I like it a lot. This too shall pass, but for the time being we will go through it together.
Thanks Hub, I love you.

Categories: Australian Home Education, Planet Home Education

I get it, but still don't like it

I get the stigma attached to depression. All the different kinds. They all still have the word depression in there.
Most people in society hear that word and have no idea what it truly means.
They may have visions of someone in a rocking chair, looking out the window with a Nanna's crocheted shawl wrapped around them. Rocking back and forth.
No thanks to TV and movies very little is understood or even accepted in society.

You might see me at one of the children's sports. Cheering them on. I will even be smiling and hug them after the game and tell them how well they played.
You may look at me and think, she looks normal.
Grr, that damn word normal. Who the fuck is normal anyway. Certainly no one I know. There is no such thing, in my opinion. Unless normal means 'human and alive.'

You may even bump past me walking down the street, and you say sorry. To which I will laugh and say 'no worries.'

Don't think there is a rule book with depression. Everyone who has it, is different. We are all here for different reasons, and we live different lives. We are all getting through in our own ways.

For me, I don't want to be treated in a special way. Just talk to me as you usually would. Show kindness, caring and respect as you usually do, and should to anyone.

Depression or not, we all have shit going on. Bills to pay, meals to make, things to worry about.
A bit of compassion goes a long way. Taking a big breath before opening your mouth goes a VERY long way!

For me I am taking one day at a time. I have a calendar with everything going on in our lives, but I am still looking at only what I have to do today. It certainly helps we are in school holidays at the moment, so we have a break from the kids activities for a couple of weeks.

The house plans still carry on. Despite everything going on with me, I know we need to keep things in motion. It's something to look forward to, along with waiting for our lucky last family member.

Categories: Australian Home Education, Planet Home Education

What word makes people go quiet?

And for most of them they will nod there head, say quietly "Uh ok" and then make up some excuse to leave the room, building, state.

Depression. Most people have NO idea how to deal with the word, let alone how to them talk to someone who is going through it.
Phrases that start with "You just need to...."
"All you need is....."
"A friend of mine had a cousin who had depression and he took up.......... and he snapped right out of it. Maybe you............."

I would like to believe the majority of people say the above out of ignorance, and just not getting it.
Why else would they say "You need to do x, y or z and then it will go away"

If you were to look up Antenatal depression you would not see a picture of me. There is very little information out there for antenatal, loads on postnatal though.
Antenatal is through pregnancy, postnatal is after giving birth.

Nearly everything I have read about antenatal depression does not ring true for me. I did find one article that mentioned feeling blank/numb a lot of the time. This is a tick for me.
It also mentioned feeling tired no matter what time of the day it was and regardless of how well you were eating or taking care of yourself. Another tick for me.
They did all mention feeling teary at times, but then again this is something that happens to most pregnant women at some point. It did not mention the amount of crying though. I assume once in a while would be natural, every day would not. I fell into the every now and then category.

I found in the articles I came across a big emphasis on the first time mother, and also 'surprise' pregnancies.
Clearly I am not a first timer, and I was and still am very excited about our planned baby. This could be why I waited even longer to see my GP. I love feeling the baby move, am very excited about our last family member joining us and am not concerned at all about coping, or how things will be.
I think this is where more information about antenatal depression needs to be put out there. So mothers who already have a child/ren can get information for them too.

I am a strong believer in trying natural remedies first when possible. If 3 months goes by and there is little improvement you know it's time to seek out more professional help.

Which is what I did. I am very fortunate to have a great GP whom I have been seeing my entire life. Apparently when I was 1 years old I was sick and having a tantrum, and he helped calm me down. We have a long history basically, and I trust him, and he knows me very well.
We talked about my past pregnancies, life in general, big things happening at the moment and of course the children. I explained how if anything I am getting through the days because of the children. I get out of bed because of them. They keep me going. They are also actually not a burden like some people say, and certainly not causing how I was feeling.
They really are great kids and a wonderful help.

We spoke about hormones in pregnancy, and how each pregnancy is different. The hormones are not exactly the same each time. Every pregnancy and baby is different, and we need to go by what is happening with this pregnancy. I had noticed how annoyed I felt this pregnancy, in a physical way. It's hard to describe, but sometimes I feel like I want out of my skin. I am just annoyed all over.
I told him how I feel the hormones have wreaked havoc this time.

He talked about how he knows how I feel about medications and that I do prefer to try naturally first. I told him all the things I had been doing over the months. I know I am lucky that he knows a lot about natural ways and agreed with what I was taking to try and help.

Then we moved on to medications. He explained to me the different types and how they work, and what is safe/not safe in pregnancy and breastfeeding.
He gave me a prescription to start the next morning, a low dose. Also to see him in 2 weeks again.

We then chatted about seeing someone to talk to told me about a few women he highly recommends for mothers. So we are in the process of getting to see one of them too.

He said that while he would rather I was not going through what I am, that he is very pleased I came to see him.

So now I am still taking my supplements, along with my prescription. I am glad I am able to keep taking the supplements, as I know how important they are for me to have.

And that is where I am at. A post I have found very hard to write, but feel important to get it down, and press publish before I chicken out!

Categories: Australian Home Education, Planet Home Education

I need to Pee

Yup, no such thing as TMI on this blog.

"Needing to go to the toilet is very common at the start of the first trimester and end of third trimester. You will more than likely have a break in between."

BULLSHIT!

Why do so many 'information and advice' articles and books say this? Ask 50 pregnant women and I guarantee those who had that nice break are in the minority.

Telling women this sets us up (ok me) to whinge and complain even more. This pregnancy I have not had a break AT ALL. All day at least every half hour, all night it stretches to every hour.
This is when I get that feeling. But do I go straight away? Of course not. I am a grown adult who still tries to ignore it, cause, you know, it might go away. Ha!

Empathy to all the Mummas out there who know what I am talking about.

Here's to the last trimester!

Categories: Australian Home Education, Planet Home Education

Absent, in a few ways

I haven't blogged much at all in the last 5 or so months. To be honest this pregnancy has been quite hard on me emotionally. I am very excited to be having another baby join us, and looking forward to everything that goes with it.
I feel the hormones this time are wreaking havoc inside my poor head.
The kids are great in the scheme of things. There is no one thing that is 'causing' my low feelings. I am also not low or down about anything much at all. I just feel down, in general.

This sucks. For me, Hub and our family. I would never choose to be feeling this way, I don't believe anyone would.
I have kept up with vitamins, making sure I get the nutrients I and bub need. It is bloody hard taking care of yourself with life and children needing you too.

I am not going through this because of 'all those children.' Those who think that do not understand the large family dynamics. The children are very good when I am pregnant, tired and needing extra help. The older children are wonderful with tidying up, folding clothes, vacuuming if need be etc.
Truth be told it would be much harder going through this without them. They are happy to read to the littlies or get them a drink.

I know I will get through this, and for the moment I am really just floating through the days. Doing what I can and trying to look after myself.

And no, I can't 'get over it' or 'just cheer up.' as some suggest. It doesn't work that way. If you think it does, you need to do some actual research and reading and maybe a lesson or two in compassion and empathy.

You might see me out and about with 'all those children' and think I have it together, am doing great, and wow even smiling and laughing. I do have good times and moments, amongst the numbness and wanting to just stay in bed all day and night.
Seeing me happy does not mean I am now better. It just means what it is, that I am happy in the moment.
You can't make yourself happy, or force happiness.

I have added a break from Facebook on my list of things to help. I had noticed a fair amount of negativity, sadness, anger and some things that were just depressing lately. I don't want to stop any of that completely from my life, as sometimes it is unavoidable, but by taking a break from Facebook I can cut some of it out.

My posts here will be sporadic at best for a bit longer.
I am ok but I am not ok. I am working on it in my own way and doing what I need for me.

I do appreciate thoughts being sent my way, cheers.

Categories: Australian Home Education, Planet Home Education

Things I have learned this week

~When you are building a house and call people in specific jobs, for example town planner, do not assume they actually know their job and can answer your basic questions. Lower your expectations from the beginning and expect to talk to a lot of people to find one simple answer.

~ Town Planning, generally suck. If you are lucky enough to find a person who can hold a conversation, speak fluently and coherently get down ALL their numbers and hold them around their legs and do not let go!

~ No matter how many times you think this time it will be different, it won't. What am I talking about here? Phone calls, when children are still within a 2km radius. No I am not exaggerating. I keep getting sucked in, damn it. Unfortunately we only have a phone attached to the wall at this house (how old fashioned?!). I keep meaning to add cordless phone to our shopping list. But really, I wonder if I keep forgetting because I remember back to when we had a cordless (before it was broken, sigh) and it really wasn't that much help. The kids would follow me, or hunt me out when I thought I was clever and had snuck away, or if I shut the door and held it closed with my foot they'd call out 'Mumma' in a sing song voice while kicking their feet against the door in rhythm.
Who knows what I will do!

~ I have a hatred so high for scary/horror movies, I am now convinced it will always be there, and I am ok with that. Hub and I watched a movie the other night, and while it was mild in regards to the horror genre it still had me sleepless all night after watching.
I told Hub no more. I'm done. Drama, Happy and Rom Com only for me, and kids movies too of course.

~ I will never get used to vomit. Ever. In the last week we have dealt with a lot of vomit. It's bad enough when I am not pregnant so you can imagine how much the stench affected me this bout of sickness. This time the second eldest woke me in the morning, telling me he had vomited in the toilet. I'd been up and down with his younger brother through the night so was a bit grumbly at being woken up for that. I told him no worries, just grab a bowl and hop on the couch and rest.
Soon after younger brother came in saying he wanted to use my toilet. I asked if someone was on the kids toilet. He said no, there is vomit in there.
So I got up and assumed he wanted me to flush it. Nup. There in FRONT of the toilet, on the floor, a huge vomit. Gah! Second eldest son obviously meant the toilet room.
Hub was at work. You know what this means. I was the only adult i the house. I had to clean it up. Damn. So I did. Sooking and whinging all the while.
Fingers crossed we are done with sickness for a while. All healthy and bright eyed again.
But I am sure some bug will find us within minutes of us having every sheet and piece of clothing washed, dried and put away.

~ I really, really, really want a laminator and a binder. They are up top on my homeschool supplies list. Seeing other home ed Mums show me how fun they are does not help the coveting.
I have heard they pop up now and then at Aldi. A couple of Mums have purchased them there and are very happy with their quality.
I remember when I was in school and we would type up our own stories and then bind them. It was so much fun, and I loved having my own 'Books.' I'm looking forward to doing the same with the kids.

Categories: Australian Home Education, Planet Home Education